Windows – How to see real ram usage for each program in windows 7

I recommend using the Reliability and Performance Monitoring Tool to see if your system is memory starved, specifically the memory section. Look for hard faults/sec:

A hard fault (also known as a page fault) occurs when the page of the referenced address is no longer in physical memory and has been swapped out or is available from a backing file on disk. It is not an error. However, a high number of hard faults may explain the slow response time of an application if it must continually read data back from disk rather than from physical memory.

It's not clear what you're asking. You ask about "total process memory" as if that were a well-defined term. It's really not. The types of memory measurements that seem natural to people who don't have a deep understanding of memory management basically don't exist on modern systems.

A more useful way to do this is for you to tell us what it is you are trying to figure out. We can tell you how to do that. People tend to say things like "I need to know how much memory a process is using", but that's largely meaningless. It's like asking how much space a person is using. Well, they share the bathrooms, should that count? And they have some stuff stored in the garage, but only because nobody is using it and they could throw that stuff away if anyone needed the space, should that count?

There's really no substitute for studying in some level of detail how modern operating systems manage memory, the distinction between physical and virtual memory, clean versus dirty pages, and so on. That way, you can make sense of the numbers the system actually can provide you.