MacBook – New MacBook Pro slow performance, battery not working

I have a very recent (mid-2014) MacBook Pro Retina 15" that has been working fine since I got it (about two months).

Suddenly, it has begun to run very slow in all apps, even though CPU usage is very low, and it does not seem to be under stress.

Additionally;

• The battery is not charging, The battery is stuck at 22%.
• If i disconnect the charger, it completely dies immediately. After restart, date and time is reset to 1st january 2014 0:00
• The battery status is "Replace now" even though it should be almost brand new

I've tried these things, which did not help:

• Restart
• Shutdown/start
• SMC reset as per http://support.apple.com/kb/ht3964
• PRAM reset as per http://support.apple.com/kb/PH14222

Diagnotics info:

OS version: OS X 10.9.5

About this mac -> More info -> System report -> Hardware

Hardware Overview:
Model Name: MacBook Pro
Model Identifier:   MacBookPro11,3
Processor Name: Intel Core i7
Processor Speed:    2,5 GHz
Number of Processors:   1
Total Number of Cores:  4
L2 Cache (per Core):    256 KB
L3 Cache:   6 MB
Memory: 16 GB
Boot ROM Version:   MBP112.0138.B07
SMC Version (system):   2.19f7
Serial Number (system): [removed]
Hardware UUID:  [removed]


About this mac -> More info -> System report -> Hardware -> Power

Battery Information:

Model Information:
Serial Number:  [removed]
Manufacturer:   SMP
Device Name:    bq20z451
Pack Lot Code:  0
PCB Lot Code:   0
Firmware Version:   702
Hardware Revision:  1
Cell Revision:  1206
Charge Information:
Charge Remaining (mAh): 1979
Fully Charged:  No
Charging:   No
Full Charge Capacity (mAh): 8954
Health Information:
Cycle Count:    43
Condition:  Replace Now
Battery Installed:  Yes
Amperage (mA):  0
Voltage (mV):   7519

System Power Settings:

AC Power:
System Sleep Timer (Minutes):   120
Disk Sleep Timer (Minutes): 10
Display Sleep Timer (Minutes):  10
Wake on AC Change:  No
Wake on Clamshell Open: Yes
Wake on LAN:    Yes
AutoPowerOff Delay: 0
AutoPowerOff Enabled:   0
Current Power Source:   Yes
DarkWakeBackgroundTasks:    1
Display Sleep Uses Dim: Yes
GPUSwitch:  0
PrioritizeNetworkReachabilityOverSleep: 0
Standby Delay:  0
Standby Enabled:    0
Battery Power:
System Sleep Timer (Minutes):   60
Disk Sleep Timer (Minutes): 10
Display Sleep Timer (Minutes):  10
Wake on AC Change:  No
Wake on Clamshell Open: Yes
AutoPowerOff Delay: 0
AutoPowerOff Enabled:   0
DarkWakeBackgroundTasks:    0
Display Sleep Uses Dim: Yes
GPUSwitch:  1
Reduce Brightness:  Yes
Standby Delay:  0
Standby Enabled:    0

Hardware Configuration:

UPS Installed:  No

AC Charger Information:

Connected:  Yes
ID: 0x0aa1
Wattage (W):    85
Family: 0x0085
Serial Number:  [removed]
Charging:   No

Anyone have a clue what's going on?